Hello and warm greetings to you from Brown Egg Farm! Welcome to my new blog - it is so nice to be back to the blog world and having the opportunity to share a little bit of my life with you.
The last month of my life has truly been a lesson in the value of truth, of honesty, and of authenticity. For those of you who do not know already, my wife and I are getting a divorce. This came as a shock to many and I deeply regret the hurt, pain, and sadness that has come from this process. I do know, however, that I have a Creator who forgives and loves me completely as well as family and friends who support me with love unconditionally.
The story of the past month starts years and years ago. As a little boy, I always felt like I was different from the other kids, especially the other boys. I didn't like typical "boy" things and savored my friendships with the girls who were part of my world. I cannot describe for you the hell of Little League, youth basketball, and other "boy" things. When I started middle school, my differences became very apparent as I soon became the target of school bullies whose favorite vernacular included words like "faggot" and "queer." I had no idea why these words would be placed upon me as I saw no connection to my heart and soul. High school brought an intensified level of bullying and taunting, but I sought refuge in my circle of friends (mostly girls) and my school activities that I enjoyed. I knew that my heart experienced life and love differently, but the horrid words seemed only to stifle and repress the ways of love that I felt. I found great relief in the thought that college was approaching soon and I could escape to a place where no one knew me.
Soon before starting my freshman year of college, I met a young woman who would eventually become my wife. Instantly, I knew that we would be great friends as I found in her love, trust, and acceptance. We soon began a courtship which eventually led to marriage three years later. I continued to question the whole me, but felt like the trade-off for putting the whole me away was a life that was typical and normal. I truly loved my wife and our life together has been filled with much joy, adventure, and goodness. Our two children are one of the greatest blessings as well as a good and peaceful life on our small farm. I will never regret a single moment of our marriage as I cherish every memory. Not many people actually get to be married to the person who is your best friend and I always felt like I had been given a gift in my wife.
Recently, I discovered that as much as a person tries to hide their true self behind a mask of normalcy, the truth eventually begs to be told. To be honest, turning thirty five years old this year was a turning point for me. I progressively found myself feeling more and more like I was drowning in my lies and I knew that I couldn't spend my entire life in an outer shell that didn't match the ways of my heart and soul. I am certainly not proud of how I realized the true me, but at the beginning of January, I admitted finally to my wife that I am indeed a gay man. Of course, the truth telling led to enormous amount of grief, pain, and anger that I will spend a lifetime working to make up to all those that I have hurt so deeply, especially my wife and children. Selfishly, I also found an incredible network of family and friends who support me unconditionally without judgment. I might not have survived this month with my heart intact if it weren't for them.
Where does my journey go from here? I am not really sure. Currently, my older son, Paul, is living with me and my younger son, Michael, is living with his mom. I savor every moment that I get to be with the boys. The animals are all doing well and still here on the farm. Sadly, we lost our sweet alpaca, Lucky, several weeks ago. I will tell you more about that another time. The next few months promise to be difficult and emotional, but I have deep hope that a new day for my life is coming. Thank you for reading and welcome back to the ramblings of life here at Brown Egg Farm!
Peace to you for your hearts, your family, your world,
Joshua
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3 comments:
You are indeed loved and treasured by God and your loved ones (and some of your quilting buddies who've been through similar trials -- like me!)
Keep your chin up and know that there's goodness all around you!
Cheers,
Your friend,
Witt
Winchester, VA
Dude, tell it like it happened. In your true, honest and authentic entry, you neglected to mention that before you came out you had an affair with a man. The "grief, pain and anger" your loved ones feel isn't because you're gay, it's because you betrayed them with your infidelity!
I was half tempted to delete the previous comment, but that would go against my belief in living an honest life. I do find it ironic that the writer hides behind anonimity while I have chosen to be open now about who I am. Every person makes choices in their life and we are each responsible for those choices. My choice to have an "affair" is a personal one - one that I have deep regret, but also one that gave me freedom. I would welcome a conversation with the comment writer "Percy" and would be more than willing to share my personal truths. Joshua Durst
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